Saturday, January 17, 2015

Struggling....

It's been awhile since I've posted anything.  There are several reasons why I haven't but the honest truth is I'm struggling.  I'm struggling with things to post about.  Don't get me wrong it's pretty busy around here and there are many things I could talk about but have no desire to do so.  So - I guess if you are looking for an upbeat post you've come to the wrong blog!

The holidays are always extremely hard on me and I just haven't seemed to get out of that slump yet.  Jon and I have also been struggling with some major decisions concerning our farming operation.  I've also been struggling with my Christian walk. Through all of these things I guess you could say I've been too stressed and bummed out to share our life right now.  It's not exactly a place I like to find myself.  Since I find it hard to get into the Word lately - I've been trying to find "help" through some books.  One of those books I've been working through is The Hardest Peace - expecting grace in the midst of life's hard - by Kara Tippetts.  I'm just a little over half way through it but it has been a real eye opener for me so far.  I'm learning and reliving so many things.  I have to be honest - I struggle some days with God.  In the Bible it talks about God's plan being perfect, His timing perfect.  Which I do agree with - I just don't completely understand His plan in our lives right now.  How is taking TJ out such a perfect plan?  I don't get it and this is when I start having problems.  Well, Kara's book is beginning to help me a little bit with this and maybe for the first time in awhile I see it the way it was meant to be seen.  She says,

".... It is hard to realize you may be living in the middle of the best story ever told.  That the story of breast cancer could possibly be a good story?  A great story even? It would be easier to shake my fist at the test results and scream that this isn't the right story, but to receive - humbly receive - the story no one would ever want, and know there is goodness in the midst of its horror, is not something I could ever do in my own strength. I simply cannot. That receiving comes from the One who received His own suffering for a much greater purpose than my own."  Then she goes on to quote Nancy Guthrie from Holding on to Hope which states... "But because I believe God's plans for me are better  than what I could plan for myself, rather than run away from the plan he has set before me, I want to run toward it. I don't want to try to change God's mind - his thoughts are perfect. I want to think his thoughts. I don't want to change God's timing - his timing is perfect. I want the grace to accept his timing. I don't want to change God's plan - his plan is perfect. I want to embrace his plan and see how he is glorified through it. I want to submit."

Those words have been weighing on my heart and mind A LOT lately.  For almost three years now I have been running from God's plan - I haven't embraced it at all.  I often forget that I have an amazing story to tell and how I need to be sharing it.  I don't think God took us through some yucky stuff just to stay unchanged.  I constantly need to remind myself of those lessons I did learn and to seek out those God is still trying to teach me.  Is this going to be easy - NO - not even a little!  However, I feel like there is something great and perhaps absolutely amazing waiting out there for me.  So, although it's going to be hard and I'm going to stumble from time to time....I want embrace God's plan for my life.  To stop running away and to tackle those things that are going to be tough.   To shape me into the person HE wants me to be and not the person Tami thinks she needs to be.  The journey might start as a struggle but hopefully somewhere in the middle I'll realize I'm on the best adventure yet!

1 comment:

  1. Prayers always for you, Jon, and the boys. You are an amazingly strong woman, Tami. I know that in spite of all of our doubts, misgivings, bitterness, anger, etc., God does have an amazingly wonderful plan in place. I can't imagine what being in your shoes must feel like. Just know that you have those who love you and are praying for you constantly. Now, that being said, I can no longer speak to you for the simple fact that you are probably, at this very moment, laying on a white sand beach with a cool drink in your hand. Thanks for the invitation... ;-) Just kidding! Have a great time!

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