Christmas
Since the last time I wrote on Caringbridge was in November, I thought I would rewind a little. I will have more than one post to let you know about the rest of our 2012 - as we did quite a bit in December. The month of December was a hard one. We had the boys school program, church Christmas program and Christmas all without TJ this year. I was anticipating these being difficult, but never realized how hard they would be until we actually went through it.
The first of these was the church Christmas program. For those of you who didn't know TJ well - he LOVED to sing and entertain. He always shined when it came to any kind of program. Let me tell you his brothers would have made him proud. All three of them sang their little hearts out! I was so proud of all of them for the way they shined this year in the program. I sat in my pew and smiled at the boys while tears ran down my face. It was hard not to envision TJ up there. I know he would have rocked it too!!
Next was the school program. We had someone to watch (either a son, niece or nephew) in every grade! That always makes the program more enjoyable when you know someone and have someone to look for. And once again, the boys did a great job. They sing the cutest songs and I love watching the boys have fun up on that stage. I was doing pretty good until the fourth grade class came out. I instantly had flashbacks to last year when TJ was in fourth grade playing his recorder. He was so excited about it. And then, last to perform was the band - something near and dear to TJ's heart. I sat there once again with tears running down my face as I watched TJ's best friend play his instrument in the band. I was also excited to see some of the kids who were in band because of TJ's memorial money!! It was one of those sappy - you know happy but sad - moments.
Of course, Christmas was next. I wasn't looking forward to Christmas - not just the day, but I struggled with the whole holiday season. I had a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. I knew that it was going to be different. Nothing in me wanted to celebrate, but I knew for the sake of the boys I needed to. I couldn't put up the tree - but the boys were begging to do it. You see, our ornaments are mostly made up of one the kids had made. So, I left those all in the box, went to the store and bought all new ones. That may sound really stupid to some of you, but I just couldn't do it. We bought green Christmas lights, lime green fillers, silver balls and an ornament that represented TJ - a disco musical note! I actually liked the tree (so did the boys)! I normally hang our stockings up, but couldn't do it this year. I didn't want to just hang the 5, but wondered if it would be worse to hang all 6 - so they stayed in the box as well. Stockings were such a huge part of my childhood (and I loved it) that I wanted my kids to have the same. I know the kids missed it this year, but I just couldn't do it.
I knew that getting together with our families was going to be difficult as well. Each of our families did something different and I thought both were great. My mom had decided to put up another tree - a TJ tree. She decorated it with green lights, lime green ribbon and bow. She had told all of us to bring an ornament that represented TJ. Something that when you see that - it reminds you of TJ. So the day we did Christmas at Mom & Dad's all 19 of us gathered around TJ to share our memories and stories of TJ with our ornament. My mom started it off by sharing her story of loosing her mom when she was my nieces age (12). How they stopped talking about her and how she eventually forgot things about her mom. She explained how she didn't want that to happen with TJ. That we can talk about him and how now it may bring tears to our eyes because we are sad now - someday those stories will bring us joy. Then we all went around and hung our ornaments on the tree and explained how that reminded us of TJ. I thought it was pretty cool that out of all 19 of us there was not one single repeat!!! I LOVED hearing all the stories - I really enjoyed hearing my niece and nephews share their TJ stories. I don't think there was a dry eye. He affected us all in different ways and I think that is pretty cool. My mom ended it buy giving Jon and I a gift - money to go to our Guatemala trip (youth group trip) to sponsor a house in honor of all of her 12 grandchildren!! The whole thing was a very special memory - one I'll treasure for a long time. (I wish I could figure out how to download the picture of his tree. If I ever figure it out, I'll share it on here later). Jon's family did something a little different. His parents decided to give us money in honor of TJ to go towards the house that our youth group will build in Guatemala in memory of TJ. After they shared this gift, we were asked if we had any stories to tell about TJ. Once again, it was fun to hear what everyone had to say (especially the younger ones)!
Our own Christmas just wasn't the same. Nobody came and jumped in our bed to wake us up. The excitement was there with the boys - just in a different way than usual. We enjoyed our time of opening gifts, sharing a nice meal together and then spending the rest of the day packing! We decided that this year we were going on vacation during break. That will be another post for another day (once I figure out how to download pictures). My heart just wasn't in it this year - it was breaking for the one that wasn't here. I couldn't help but think - what is TJ doing? Do they celebrate Christmas in Heaven? If so, what is it like?
The first of these was the church Christmas program. For those of you who didn't know TJ well - he LOVED to sing and entertain. He always shined when it came to any kind of program. Let me tell you his brothers would have made him proud. All three of them sang their little hearts out! I was so proud of all of them for the way they shined this year in the program. I sat in my pew and smiled at the boys while tears ran down my face. It was hard not to envision TJ up there. I know he would have rocked it too!!
Next was the school program. We had someone to watch (either a son, niece or nephew) in every grade! That always makes the program more enjoyable when you know someone and have someone to look for. And once again, the boys did a great job. They sing the cutest songs and I love watching the boys have fun up on that stage. I was doing pretty good until the fourth grade class came out. I instantly had flashbacks to last year when TJ was in fourth grade playing his recorder. He was so excited about it. And then, last to perform was the band - something near and dear to TJ's heart. I sat there once again with tears running down my face as I watched TJ's best friend play his instrument in the band. I was also excited to see some of the kids who were in band because of TJ's memorial money!! It was one of those sappy - you know happy but sad - moments.
Of course, Christmas was next. I wasn't looking forward to Christmas - not just the day, but I struggled with the whole holiday season. I had a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit. I knew that it was going to be different. Nothing in me wanted to celebrate, but I knew for the sake of the boys I needed to. I couldn't put up the tree - but the boys were begging to do it. You see, our ornaments are mostly made up of one the kids had made. So, I left those all in the box, went to the store and bought all new ones. That may sound really stupid to some of you, but I just couldn't do it. We bought green Christmas lights, lime green fillers, silver balls and an ornament that represented TJ - a disco musical note! I actually liked the tree (so did the boys)! I normally hang our stockings up, but couldn't do it this year. I didn't want to just hang the 5, but wondered if it would be worse to hang all 6 - so they stayed in the box as well. Stockings were such a huge part of my childhood (and I loved it) that I wanted my kids to have the same. I know the kids missed it this year, but I just couldn't do it.
I knew that getting together with our families was going to be difficult as well. Each of our families did something different and I thought both were great. My mom had decided to put up another tree - a TJ tree. She decorated it with green lights, lime green ribbon and bow. She had told all of us to bring an ornament that represented TJ. Something that when you see that - it reminds you of TJ. So the day we did Christmas at Mom & Dad's all 19 of us gathered around TJ to share our memories and stories of TJ with our ornament. My mom started it off by sharing her story of loosing her mom when she was my nieces age (12). How they stopped talking about her and how she eventually forgot things about her mom. She explained how she didn't want that to happen with TJ. That we can talk about him and how now it may bring tears to our eyes because we are sad now - someday those stories will bring us joy. Then we all went around and hung our ornaments on the tree and explained how that reminded us of TJ. I thought it was pretty cool that out of all 19 of us there was not one single repeat!!! I LOVED hearing all the stories - I really enjoyed hearing my niece and nephews share their TJ stories. I don't think there was a dry eye. He affected us all in different ways and I think that is pretty cool. My mom ended it buy giving Jon and I a gift - money to go to our Guatemala trip (youth group trip) to sponsor a house in honor of all of her 12 grandchildren!! The whole thing was a very special memory - one I'll treasure for a long time. (I wish I could figure out how to download the picture of his tree. If I ever figure it out, I'll share it on here later). Jon's family did something a little different. His parents decided to give us money in honor of TJ to go towards the house that our youth group will build in Guatemala in memory of TJ. After they shared this gift, we were asked if we had any stories to tell about TJ. Once again, it was fun to hear what everyone had to say (especially the younger ones)!
Our own Christmas just wasn't the same. Nobody came and jumped in our bed to wake us up. The excitement was there with the boys - just in a different way than usual. We enjoyed our time of opening gifts, sharing a nice meal together and then spending the rest of the day packing! We decided that this year we were going on vacation during break. That will be another post for another day (once I figure out how to download pictures). My heart just wasn't in it this year - it was breaking for the one that wasn't here. I couldn't help but think - what is TJ doing? Do they celebrate Christmas in Heaven? If so, what is it like?
Thanks for all the details about your Christmas and how you are doing! I am sorry it is so hard!
ReplyDeleteTami, could you possibly send me your email address? I used the one on the CaringBridge and it has evidently been changed,which is fine. I have another family affected by cancer that I wanted to ask you to pray for. Thank you! Charlotte Powers, charpowers@gmail.com
I wondered the same thing about celebrating Christmas in Heaven ... If I close my eyes I can hear the excitment in TJs voice telling us all about it and how great Christmas was in Heaven and how AMAZING it is in Heaven. I can hear him telling us about all the different flowers and all of their names! Auntie LOVES and MISSES that kiddo soooo much!
ReplyDelete