Grieving Still

I love to read other people's blogs.  Sometimes I get neat ideas from them or at other times it's just fun to hear what is going on in that particular family.  I few months after TJ passed away I received an email from a friend of the family's to check out a certain blog.  This particular family had just lost their 15 year old son to pancreatic cancer.  I decided to go back to their caringbridge page to read more about their journey.  There were some similarities and some major differences, however, we have both experienced the loss of our sons WAY too early.  I love to read her blog because I can totally relate with her.  I almost feel as if everything she shares are my feelings as well.  She shared something on her blog the other day (something someone else had shared with her) and I hope you all don't take this the wrong way, (I'm sorry in advance) but Our transition is still a grieving one. They are SPOT ON! I thought I’d share them with you. I’ve heard it a thousand times that people just do not know what to say to us. Here’s a hint.

THE ONLY THING’S TO SAY:

“I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“There are no words.”
            (this is true even 9 months later)

Don’t say — it’s going to get better. (It will eventually, but that is not helpful to hear right now UNLESS perhaps YOU HAVE ACTUALLY LIVED IT. . . sometimes not even then. I can't imagine how it will ever get better)

Never say — after you survive the year of firsts . . . everything will seem better! Stupid, stupid, stupid - it will always be hard.

Don’t compare this to any other death or experience you have lived through. NEVER a parent or sibling – especially as an adult.

Don’t ask or don’t keep asking — What can I do for you? If we knew what would help or what we needed, we’d ask! Prayer is the best!

Don’t say: “How are you?” – Say – “It’s good to see you.” Or if you really want to know, you’ll probably get tears and much more than you want to hear.

Abide: Have someone “be” with them/us. Especially to just “listen” to them/us. DON’T try to have answers! There are none right now.

This may not sound compassionate. And close friends of course, will sometimes grieve with us. But it is not the same as losing your child. (I’m just telling it like it is.)

In the beginning, take care of simple needs – if they are comfortable with that. They need it, but they might always have been the giver. I appreciated it so much. Probably didn’t even notice what all was done for us.

Have some one go with them anytime they are leaving home. . . for appointments, grocery, errands. . . The grocery was brutal. I would never have thought it!! The choices you make in the grocery for this child, for each member of the family. I can walk an aisle and still gravitate toward his favorite foods without thinking.

NEVER has intercessory prayer been more needed or more valuable!! There are many times where at most I just groan and say, “Lord, Lord. . . help me/us please!”

Do NOT worry about notes and thank you’s! That time will come later. I WILL get it done!

Books sometimes help people. After a few, it hasn’t helped very much. It is nice to have your thoughts/emotions affirmed in words. It hasn’t really helped me to read about someone else’s devastating experience. . . at least not now.

I think some of these hints fit the ______  family. Pray for them, Pray for them, Pray for them! Remember, they will be overwhelmed for a little while.

There are a few that don't totally fit,  but for the most part all of what she had to say is very true.  Our hearts are still hurting and broken.  We are soon approaching the one year anniversary of when this whole journey began.  It's still hard to believe.  I am not the same person I was a year ago and I'm not sure if I'll ever be that person again.  I also realize that it is harder for me to just go up and have a conversation with people.  I am unsure of their reaction to me or even my reaction to them.  I find myself wanting to hide out, withdrawal and not be around anyone.  I am sorry if any of you have felt this from me.  I'm still trying to figure this all out - what is my place, who am I?  I have so many unanswered questions and I'm not sure if I'll ever get the answers in my lifetime.  I'm searching my heart.  All I ask is that you continue to pray for our family.

The next few months aren't going to be easy.  Let me share with you some concerns I have right now so you all can be praying.  In Oct. 2011 Will (son #3) had eye surgery to correct his eyes that kept crossing.  Things seemed to be going pretty well until last summer when I realized they started crossing again.  We made another appointment to take him back up to the eye dr.  In Oct. 2012 he got glasses - they thought that his vision was slightly off making his eyes tired, causing them to cross.  We had to take him back earlier this month for a 3 month check up to make sure the glasses were doing what they were supposed to.  Well, I had noticed on vacation that his eyes were starting to cross again.  The eye dr noticed this as well.  So for the next 3 months we have to patch Will's stronger eye 2 hours/day.  He is tentatively scheduled to have surgery on April 8.  However, if when we go back at the end of March his eyes have improved - the surgery will be cancelled.  Will has been doing amazing with this - in fact he is reminding me about his patch!!  I think I've stressed to him enough that if he does this he won't have to have surgery (which he DOESN'T want).  Then the dr. told me something else:  he wants to do an MRI of his brain just to make sure there is nothing else going on in there.  I almost threw up and I'm pretty sure I turned as white as a sheet when he told me.  All I could think about was you have got to be kidding me.  The dr. is 99% sure they are not going to find anything, but with the family history he just wants to rule it out.  I am freaking out about this.  I'm really trying not to think about it, but just have difficulty not.  Well he had to have a physical before they would schedule the MRI because he is going to be completely sedated (which is probably a good thing for Will).  They called me back to let me know when it was scheduled - I bet you will never guess the date..........Feb. 6.  I think I threw up in my mouth - that was the date TJ had his first MRI (the one we thought we were just doing to rule it out things).  Fortunately it didn't work for our schedule so it is now set for Feb 11.  Please pray about this.  Pray for us to be calm, and not to worry.  That Will won't be scared.  And pray for a CLEAR MRI!!!  Will has a few other things going on with him that I just can't help but think this MRI is going to reveal everything we haven't figured out before.  I'm really hoping to be wrong.  They told me it could be a couple of days before we find out the results - which I'm hoping they are wrong and it is much sooner.

We truly appreciate all of your prayers.  We just ask that you please continue to pray for our family.