Struggles and Praises!

 

My sweet TJ a week after his biopsy!

 

 

As I previously blogged about and as many of you know we just passed the one year anniversary of the day this whole journey began.  February 6th was the day of TJ's first MRI - the day we learned he had abnormalities on his brain.  And February 10th marked the day our lives would be changed forever.  I remember the day as if it just happened.  TJ was in  good spirits that morning before his biopsy.  He was shooting his dart gun, laughing and being TJ.  I remember walking down the halls, riding the elevator all the while listening to David Crowder on his IPod.  And then it was time for him to go through those big double doors without us.  I remember the wait - visiting with our parents, sleeping in the chairs of the waiting room - anticipating the doctor coming to tell us the news.  I can hear the dr. just as plain as day as if he were standing over my shoulders right this very minute telling me the most devastating news I have ever heard.  Your son has inoperable brain cancer and the type of cancer that would someday take his life.  I remember crying and telling him "not my TJ."  All he could say to us was that he hoped he was wrong, that he was very sorry and wished he had better news.  Jon and I held each other as we cried out.  I wanted to be with TJ - I quickly composed myself and got to TJ as soon as I could.  At that time I had no clue what our future would hold.  I didn't know how long we would fight this terrible thing called cancer.  I didn't know how many good days or bad days we would experience and I definitely didn't know how many days we would have with TJ.  I was so unsure of so many things then and scared out of my mind.  All I did know was that we were going to fight this with all that we had.  I didn't know that one year later these feelings would all come rushing back and seem so very real once again.  The last week has been a huge struggle.  I find myself crying ALOT.  And every time I close my eyes I'm quickly transported to different times of TJ's journey - I can't sleep with such images in my mind.  I find myself just lying in bed crying and being so exhausted, I eventually fall asleep.  All of this in itself is hard to deal with, but when you have another son who was scheduled for an MRI the day after the one year anniversary of all of this - it's even more exhausting. 

Yesterday we took Will up to Des Moines to have his MRI.  At the time all I could think about was getting Will through this - you see, he was EXTREMELY scared (to put it lightly).  Jon and I had tried our best to explain everything to Will.  In fact Jon even found a youtube video to show him what they would do to him.  It just didn't matter - Will was scared - there was no comforting him at this point.  So I was anticipating a battle for yesterday.  We arrived and waited in the waiting room to be called back (this was after all the paperwork).  Once they called Will's name we headed back - only for him to turn and run in the opposite direction - twice!  They had a child life specialist there to help him out.  I do believe she helped and made it fun for Will, but when it came time to actually do everything the lady talked to him about - he just wasn't ready.  We first tried to have him on the bed with me on my lap - he kicked and screamed so much they decided to kick me out of the bed and just hold him down.  The nurses must have had a good hold on him because he started screaming how hot he was.  They quickly got the IV in and started the medicine to sedate him.  He went from screaming to completely out in a matter of a couple of seconds - I was amazed.  They told us it was fast acting, but that was crazy fast!  They wheeled him to the MRI and that was when Jon and I could go no longer.  They said it would take about an hour so we grabbed a quick snack and then waited in the waiting room for him.  Before long they wheeled him out.  The nurses said that it is best to have him wake up on his own and not to wake him up - they become very agitated and crabby.  After the ordeal of getting him out we both thought it would be best to listen to them.  It was about 30-45 minutes before he started to wake up.  And boy was it funny when he did wake up - he was quite hilarious.  We tried our best not to laugh out loud too much at him.  Even thought he fought it - I was so proud of him.  Before Will was sedated and we were waiting our turn we had explained to the nurses where we were a year ago.  So they made it a point to let the radiologist know that so his MRI would be read quickly.  They were able to give us a preliminary result while we were waiting for Will to wake up.  They said everything looked good!!!  We couldn't have been more happy to hear that news.  We are waiting to hear from the dr. today to make sure everything is still the same (which they told us 99% of the time the preliminary and the final reading are the same).  So now we can all breathe again!!

It is funny how you look at things or life in general after an event has happened in your life.  I know that before TJ got diagnosed, his symptoms at first didn't scream out brain tumor.  So now when any of the boys act in a slight way that TJ did I begin to panic and quickly want to run them to the dr. to get an MRI.  I feel as if I will always live in constant fear that one of my other boys will get a brain tumor.  That I'm watching them like a hawk these days - I don't want to miss a single clue - in fear we may loose another son to this terrible thing called cancer.  I know that is not the way to live life, but right now in this stage of my life I can't help but think this way.  So, now I will hold my boys close and love on them.  Because honestly we don't know when our last day is - we aren't guaranteed tomorrow.  So live as if today were your last - I know I'm trying to.  Life is too short to be mad at others, to hold grudges, to not give hugs or tell each other you love one another.  This isn't something that comes easy for me, but because of the journey we've been on - I look at life differently and I'm working at it extra hard.  That's why one of things I'm giving up is facebook.  There is too much drama, complaining and just silly stuff that I can't handle anymore.  I've deleted it off of my phone and no longer go on it on my computer.  Jon still wants to keep it (there are some people on there that that is the only contact we have with them - so we will keep it for that).  So, I guess if you need to contact me you will have to do it by phone or email!  I'm trying to figure out ALOT of things in my life right now.  I have MANY things I'm struggling with and I'm trying to find the answers - not sure how long it will take to get some of those answers.  I'm in a catch 22 right now and am fighting that battle.  So I guess I just ask that you pray not only for me, but for Jon and the boys as well.  In fact pray for all of our family - we are hurting and these anniversaries aren't helping.