Searching.....

I find myself in a place I have never been before.  In fact, I'm trying to figure out where IS my place?  Where do I belong now?  Who am I?  I am completely broken.  I have often heard speakers and people say, "it was when I was broken that..."  And now that is where I am.  Everything that used to be comfortable, fun, easy and even enjoyable - I find now leave me anxious, scared and utterly alone.  I find myself clinging to Jon and completely lost without him.  I will be honest - this is NOT a fun place to be.  And I am trying my hardest to get out of this place.  It is in this place that I have realized more than ever my need for the Lord.  I have found that I want to really know who He is and not just who I think/thought He was.  I will admit this isn't easy.  When I go to His Word, I struggle even more.  You see, I have forgotten who He is and what He has done for me before TJ's journey.  I can't remember that God.  All my mind thinks about is the God who I feel abandoned me at my most difficult time in my life.  And when I read His Word - I almost laugh and mock God.  This too - is not a fun place to be.  I have realized that I need to push past my feelings and thoughts and really seek the truth, which is HARD.  That's why I'm trying to find help in my journey.  To go to those who can help me, guide me, show me and push past my feelings.  As parents we have such high hopes and desire so much for our children - but our ultimate goal should be for them to have a personal relationship with Christ and not to desire the things of this world but to some day live in Heaven with Him.  I have that for one of my four kids and I should be working hard with the other three.  If I continue to struggle and not guide my other boys or even work on my own relationship with Christ - we won't be where I long for all of us to be some day.  So, I am searching the desires of my heart and what is it that the Lord really wants from me and for me.  Am I where I should be?  Is He calling me to do something else?  I feel because of TJ, Africa and Guatemala - I am a different person and God has something so much bigger for me.  What is that?  I don't know, that's what I'm trying to figure out.  I heard this song on the radio awhile back and felt like the words were speaking exactly what I was feeling.  It's called Help Me Find It by Sidewalk Prophets.  Here are the words:

I don't know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I'm finding I can't do this on my own

I don't know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I'm done fighting, I'm finally letting go

I will trust in You
You've never failed before
I will trust in You

(Chorus)
If there's a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will, Whatever Your will
Can you Help me find it?
Can you help me find it?

I'm giving You fear and You give faith
I'm giving You doubt you give me grace
For every step I've never been alone

Even when it hurts, You'll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath You've never let me go

I will wait for You
You've never failed before
I will wait for You

Chorus

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (was blind but now I see)
'Cause You are all I need

Chorus

So, now, I'm taking small steps and trying to listen to the quiet voice of God.  Even though my heart is broken and it's not going to be easy - I'm going to learn to trust again.  To believe that He does have my best interest (even though I may question it at times).  I'm going to try to break through what I FEEL to seek the truth of who He REALLY is.  So forgive me if I don't seem like the same old Tami - but I am NOT that person anymore.  I'm striving to be who God intended me to be - what/who that is - I don't know.  All I do know is that I am willing to do/go wherever He wants me to.  That I will strive to do His will and not my own.  I will welcome any prayers you are willing to say on my behalf - because it's going to be hard - but SO worth it!