Remembering a year ago

Yesterday (April 29) marked the one year anniversary of TJ going home to live with Jesus.  There are times I can't believe it's already been a year (it seems as if it WERE yesterday) and at other times it seems like forever ago.  I wanted the day to be special - a day to reflect and remember our sweet TJ.  In the Disney movie Tangled the mom & dad (and the community) let off sky lanterns in memory of their daughter's birthday.  I thought this would be a perfect way to honor TJ.  In the movie they are way smaller - so I ordered one per family (we included both sides of our families).  Since it's better to do these when it is dark we had to either let them off early in the morning or late at night.  Well since TJ had passed away at 5:20 am - Jon thought it was fitting (as did I) to do it in the morning.  I had passed all of them out ahead of time so anyone who wanted to could write a message to TJ.  We also decided to invite everyone over to our house for breakfast afterwards.  So at 5:00 am Monday morning we all met as a family out at the cemetery.  Jon said a few words and then we all lit our lanterns.  We tried to let them all go at once around the time TJ passed.  It was pretty neat!  Here are a few pictures of that.  (My camera didn't work the best so I don't have very many or good pictures - I wish now I would have asked somebody else to take the pictures for me).

 

This was the package all the lanterns came in.

 

Here is some of the group lighting and getting the lanterns ready. (my camera date must be off)

 

 

 

Here they are floating away!

 

 

After we watched them float away we all got into our vehicles and came back for breakfast.  I really wanted it to be a breakfast that TJ would have wanted - but also needed something quick and easy - so we settled for egg casserole, muffins, fresh fruit and cinnamon rolls.  I also wanted to give them a piece of TJ to take home with them so I made up little gift bags for every family.  They received a picture DVD (thank you Cody!) - the one that was made and played at the visitation and funeral, 3 Musketeer's, a bouquet of daisies and a dragon fly (from the dragon fly story - if you haven't heard it you should google it - it's pretty cool).  Most of the family left around 7 or little after.  My older sister and her boys stayed around a little longer.  I was really glad she did.  I was feeling VERY under the weather so she helped clean up and her boys entertained (played with) my boys.  I had let the boys decide whether or not they wanted to go to school - which all of them said NO!  Because I was sick I slept the majority of the day.  I made some lunch for the boys and took a nap.  Woke up from my nap to feed them supper, give them showers and put them to bed.  I do believe the boys and I were all in bed no later than 7.  In fact Jon said he came home around 7:45 - he came in the house and we were all sound asleep!!  That poor guy was out working until 3am this morning - CRAZY!!  Tis the season.

 

Because I was sick all day I feel like I never really got to reflect or feel anything about what happened a year ago.  It masked any kind of emotions I might have felt.  I know the whole week prior to it - I was getting things ready - anticipating the day - that the whole week was hard.  I found myself crying every single day.  In fact Sunday afternoon I was making the egg casseroles and cried and chopped that ham as if I needed to kill it first.  I have felt every emotion possible over the past week that maybe I wore myself out and my body couldn't take it anymore.  I remember a year ago, sleeping in bed with TJ.  Holding his right hand with my left and snuggling with him - putting my right hand over his chest.  I remember his breathing changing and Jon waking up just seconds before his last breath was taken.  I remember not feeling the beat of his heart anymore.  I knew he was no longer with us, but for some odd reason I needed the confirmation from the nurse.  AHHHHHH!  I just want to scream!!!  It's just not right or fair.  He should be here with us!  Have you ever heard the song Homesick by Mercy Me?  That is exactly what I am feeling (thinking).  If you haven't you need to check it out.  Here are the words:

 

  You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

 

 

OH how I miss that kid.  Over the past year I have reflected a lot about TJ and his life (and the short journey of his cancer) and he has taught me so much and for that I will be forever grateful.  He taught me to be ok with who I am.  Don't try to be someone your not.  TJ lived this out in his own life.  I remember Jon and I trying to change him and it didn't work!  He was completely content with being who God made him to be.  He was authentic!  And that is something I'm trying to be.  He taught me to love Jesus.  TJ had a passion for loving Jesus - he thought everyone should and he couldn't understand why someone wouldn't.  Well, in this last year I have been struggling to love and trust him.  But this too is something I'm working on.  I've learned from his friends what kind of friend TJ really was to them.  He was someone they could go to - to talk to - to be themselves.  I hope I can be this kind of friend to my friends.  This past year without TJ hasn't been easy and we miss so much about him and what he brought to this family -laughter, joy, silliness, loudness and fun.  Don't get me wrong we had our disagreements and arguments - but overall he was a blessing to this family.  He was a great big brother - I often think what the boys would be like (and our house) if he were still here.  I also think about how tall he might be - would he have passed me up?  What kind of hairstyle would he have wanted?  What 4-H projects would he have entered in the fair this year?  The list goes on and on.  You know I replay the last three months of TJ's life and ask myself was there anything more we could have done.  If we would have done this, would he still be here?  Or what about that?  I am constantly trying to figure out ways to get him back.  The truth is I can't - he is gone and it won't be until I enter Heaven's gates that I will see my son again.  And when I do I will go running to him.  Look into his beautiful brown eyes see that wonderful smile of his and tell him how much I have missed him.  I can't wait to dance with him, hold his hand, to hear him sing and just to hear the sound of his voice again.  I miss you Thomas Jon so much it hurts!  I love you!