It's been a rough day and it's only what time?

This morning started off a little better than usual mornings - all in the sense that I woke up before the kids and was able to shower before it was time to wake them up!  I got them all up, showered, fed and off to school and then it all went downhill from there.  I should rewind just a little bit.  Last night our small group went to the Serenity House (where TJ was for six weeks) to help do a service project.  We swept and power washed the decks, cleaned patio furniture, planted pots and washed screens.  I so desperately wanted to go and help.  The Serenity House had done so much for our family and I really wanted to give back - I just knew it was going to be hard.  It wasn't like this was the first time we had gone back there - I just had never gotten past the front desk when we have visited.  I wasn't sure beforehand all what we were going to do and where we might end up - it made me a little nervous.  I was thankful it had rained the day before so Jon was able to come.  Well, I think going back brought back some memories.  We went around back to the basement to get all the stuff out to clean.  Although now there are beautiful flower gardens - I remember the open grassy area that was there a year ago where my kids played kick ball and baseball, the sidewalk where my kids played with sidewalk chalk.  We worked a lot in the driveway - by/in the garage.  I couldn't stand being in the garage.  That was the hardest part for me.  I remember the very first day we arrived at the hospice house.  They had opened that garage door for us to drive our vehicle in (for privacy).  I remember trying to get our son out of the van and into a wheelchair and then into the house.  This was a memory I hadn't really thought of for a very long time however - those memories quickly came flooding back yesterday.  And the other memory I have of that garage was the day Mike (from Bates) came to pick up our dear sweet TJ after he had gone to be with Jesus.  That was a memory I was hoping to never remember again - well it came rushing back yesterday.  And now I have that visual back inside my head.  I tried my hardest to stay out of there - but it just couldn't be avoided.  It was nice to go back and see some familiar faces I hadn't seen in awhile - which also brings back memories.  Nancy was the nurse on duty last night - we have some very special memories with her.  She was the nurse on duty the night the power went out.  She was the nurse that told us we were young and if we needed some time alone to leave a towel on the door and they would not disturb us!!  (I had to share that with you all - that's a whole other story to tell someday).  She was kind, sweet and genuine - we love her!  There was a part of me last night that felt as if I was home again.  Kind of like when we revisited the PICU.  I asked if anyone was in the Daisy room (the room TJ had been in) - and there was.  One of these days I want to go back there and just sit on that bed, look around and have a good cry!  I honestly think it could be good for me.  So, fast forward back to today.  The boys had all gotten on the bus and I was home alone.  I started to pick up the house because it honestly looked like a tornado had gone through it.  Well, Will had gotten out the photo albums that Margie had made for TJ's benefit and they were laying on the floor.  I needed to put them away - I didn't - I just sat there and looked at them as I sobbed like a baby.  And still continue to - I just can't stop today.  I miss him like crazy.  I so desperately want to turn back time - to talk to him, to hold him, to hear his voice and laugh, to see that beautiful smile and to witness that wild personality of his.  To just hug him and tell him one more time that I love him.  People keep telling me that he has a much better room now - that he is having the time of his life.  And while I'm glad they can think like that - I can't.  I can't but think about the earthly TJ - who got homesick while he was at church camp - and it makes me so extremely sad.  I think he would be much better off here with his family who is now so incomplete without him.  I long for the day when we reunite - what a glorious day that will be.